Archives for posts with tag: 2015

I don’t want this to be a death blog. I don’t think it is, but what I I write is definitely skewed towards big life events. Oh well. Don’t read if you don’t like it.

My brother-in-law died last week and from the moment we knew, everything was different.

It is so weird to say the previous sentence. It is true.

BIL was ill. He had been ill for 3 years and was doing pretty well. Then in the last month he declined significantly and quickly. He got a little better, but then we found that the chemo wasn’t working and knew he would probably not survive the summer. Then he got significantly worse and died.

Just like that.

We are a close family, but I am an in-law and not a child. I didn’t grow up with BIL and we only got closer during the past three years. Still, I felt — and still feel — the loss. In a way he was the big brother I never had. I do see the effect his death is having on my husband. Now he is the oldest boy. His mother is looking at him to lead the family. Through these new expectations, he had to deal with his own grief.

The funeral arrangements were virtually drama-free. Nothing like the problems we had with Grama’s arrangements happened. for that I am profoundly grateful. The girls rallied around our SIL and helped with everything. I am glad SIL had BIL’s sisters to lean on. When asked, I gave my opinion, but mostly cooked and sat with SIL at the visitation and funeral so she wouldn’t be more alone.

I don’t know how it will affect the family dynamics, but I feel it keenly. I spent the half an hour of my walk thinking about my BIL. I have never done that before. I also thought about life, the ending of life and life in general from different angles.

Do I appreciate life enough?

Do I spend my days enjoying my life?

Am I doing enough with my life?

All questions to ponder in the wake of a death.

I had a good job.

I had seniority because I had been there for a long time.

I could take as much vacation as I wanted.

My budget was increasing and I was supported in attending conferences and being active in my profession.

I had to leave for a lot of reasons. A friend sent me a blog post that, while describing a different field, describes my situation perfectly.

And there are spaces to find out what is next. Double Union is one of them.